Last week I had a really bad day. The kind where one unpleasant thing after another transpires and is enough to drive any semi-sane person off the deep end. My husband happened to call while I was in the midst of a childish tirade, and during all of my tears, he asked "Do you need to be medicated again?"
Let me back up. I have a history of depression, in fact the mental illness gene seems to be pervasive in my family. I have been on several different anti-depressants in the past, with varying levels of success and side effects. The last time I was taking something was before my 5 year old daughter was born. Yes, it is true. Lately I have been feeling lonely and worth the most as the caretaker of my family, not as an individual.
So, after vehemently denying the need for medication to my husband, I thought long and hard about that possibility for the rest of the day. I have always had a very short temper, and to my dismay, I yell at my children more than I should. Recently this seems to be a trait that I can not control...it just happens. For this reason, the children's book by Mem Fox, called Harriet, You'll Drive me Wild! has been a special favorite of mine. (Read it...it is both convicting and forgiving!) Does this mean that medication may help me?
I still, after several days of pondering, haven't decided one way or another. I also haven't made an appointment with my Doctor to discuss it with her. I have, however, spent time with some of my friends. It seems to be amazingly therapeutic! Of course, with friends that will write such wonderful things about a person (see previous post), how could friendship fail to be helpful in such situations? In addition, my parents came to visit, and my mother baked me the most delicious ooey, gooey chocolate desert in lieu of birthday cake. We all know that chocolate cures any number of conditions!
Do I need to be medicated? Well, I've filed the possibility a little closer to the front of my motherhood-addled brain, but for now I plan to take the dark, cold winter one day at a time and remember that such impossible days will teach me something about myself.
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2 comments:
My dear, let me assure you (I hope it is encouraging) that we all, all of us have totally insane moments, especially in the midwinter. I always think of poor Zelda, Scott Fitzgerald's wife, whom they locked up because she was sporatic and emotionally unstable, when I launch off the uncontrollable deep end (no less than hysteria-I save those special moments for Martin)--and I am grateful that I live now, in the time of understanding about such "episodes," and not then, when they viewed hormones and crazy emotions as something to be locked away instead of dealt with. . .I say whatever you choose, make sure you count on the support of your friends (and lots of warm chocolate in the middle winter)! I do think that "stay-at-home" parents are perhaps the most vulnerable group to feelings of isolation and depression, and community saves us. Drop by any time! And thanks for being so honest; it helps the rest of us.
PS. Yes, we like the Harriet book too. . .today I found myself reading "Bear Sleeps On" to Elspeth in wild growls and shouts--it felt like a good way to get my aggression out (she was climbing on me and digging her little elbows into my poor pregnant belly so I saved her somewhat from my mounting frustration by yelling bear).
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