Last week, I finally found out what it means to be "naked as a Jay Bird" under unfortunate circumstances. While Waynesburg was being whipped by a nasty storm, complete with toppled trees and felled branches, the only damage here was 3 baby birds blown out of their nest. They were Blue Jays, I think, judging from the activity I had seen in the Maple tree lately. 3 pink baby birds without a stitch of feathers to cover them. J was devastated, so we had a baby bird funeral. She still had to go off by herself to recover from her emotions.
J is such an emotional child! She feels things very deeply, and at her age (5 going on 15) she hastens to let us know how she is feeling. As I write, I am listening to her cries and screams of injustice. My stomach is tied up in knots, because I never know if I have done the right thing when I discipline her, but I can't back down once I've made the decision. She is extremely tired after 2 mornings of swimming lessons, picnic in the park and pool in the afternoon. Add to that play with the Elaine children this evening, and she is in meltdown mode. Did I do wrong since she has been crying for 20 minutes now? Oh dear, how to know!?!
Once she is sleeping, I will likely go to her and cradle her head in my arms. If only these night time visits would make up for the pain she is feeling now! My dear, sweet daughter! If only you knew how painful the discipline is for the parent as well! I love you, I love you, I will always love you! Even my heart feels cold...like a naked Jay Bird.
T
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2 comments:
My goodness, discipline can be hard--when to let things slip by unheeded, when to buckle down and dole out consequences. It seems, in retrospect, that the parts of life we can't control for our children (when they're older and out of our reach)--when they make bad choices and suffer the consequences, when they hurt us or themselves or others--those times will be even harder than these. (And hopefully we are helping our children avoid too many of those messes by bungling through punishments now). Children really brings home the conundrum of joy being linked so closely to pain--we open ourselves up to such great happiness and to such great hurt with our children, by loving them--they will never understand quite how much until they have their own children.
I remember when Merry was born--all of a sudden I felt plagued by worries--a flood of anxiety and fear about another person that is less now that I am a more "seasoned" mother but crops up when something unexpected goes wrong (like Elspeth's recent trip to the emergency room)--it is a fear that grips you beyond all sense, right at the roots of your heart. I feel that same sensation--the sense of having no control--when I love them immensely, when I have glimmers of just how much I do love them.
"Perfect love casteth out fear-" true, I know, but since when has a love like mine been perfect? We're all just bungling through, really, and doing the best we can, loving our children and hoping intensely that life will be gentle and kind to them. May it be so for all our children.
www.fatherstephen@wordpress.com comments on our capacity to love in his most recent post...but then again, you both are most eloquent on the subject...
N
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